The Boom, Part Three
April 26, 2002

When I first wrote my rant on Pimpmobiles, I just assumed that the kids who drove them were idiots.

Recently, though, a few Lil Pimp Wanna-Bes have signed my guestbook and proved that to be fact. Here's an example...

zach - 4.23.2002
fuck you and your stupid opinion the reasont that we do that to our cars is because we like it and the way that it looks you should really keep your opinions to your self and we dont do it for girls either we do it for ourselevs the girls are just a bonus so you can kiss my ass i would love to see your reply to this i bet that you think every one agrees with you but so few do.

Naturally, I did what any sane webmaster would do, and deleted this rubbish. It's just like graffiti, but easier to clean up. If someone had spray-painted "fuck you" on the side of my house, I certainly wouldn't leave it there, so why should I leave this shit on my website? But, before I deleted it, I saved a copy to share with my husband and friends. They get a chuckle out of morons like this. And, yes, there is a sort of smug satisfaction knowing that they got so worked up, and probably spend 10 to 15 minutes hunting and pecking on their keyboard to type out shit like that, when it takes me three seconds to delete it.

Next day, what's on my guestbook? Yep! Another entry from our friend Zach, who obviously doesn't know the difference between a guestbook and a message board.

zach - 4.24.2002
what happen to ur reply i want to know your shitty opinon to that i know that you would send a reply cause you probablly havent had some one say that to you

*sigh*

Dear Zach,

Here's your reply. I normally don't waste my time on insignificant morons like you, but ... what the hell. It could be fun.

First off, I take it from your messages that you think your cars look cool like that, even though everyone is laughing at you behind your back. I happen to know a thing or two about being cool. For instance, being truly cool means not giving a shit about what other people think. As Joan Jett said, "I don't give a damn about my bad reputation." (Joan Jett is before your time, kiddo. Don't sweat it.)

So, if you were cool, you wouldn't care what I think about your goofy little cars. You'd just go about your business. You certainly wouldn't give a shit that some nearly thirty year old married woman, living in a small town, who you've never met, thinks you're a dweeb. Who am I? I'm nobody. You'll never actually meet me. You'll never actually talk to me, except maybe to ask if I want the Signature Service Oil Change, or maybe to see if I'd prefer paper or plastic.

Secondly, if you're not out to impress girls, are you out to impress boys? If that's the case, might I suggest spending less time and money on your car, and more on things like clothes from the International Male catalog, manicures, and tickets to see Barbra Streisand in concert. Watch shows like Will and Grace for more pointers. I'm really no expert on homosexuality, but I don't think they're big fans of Slim Shady, despite his touching duet with Elton John.

Thirdly, make up your goddamn mind. Do you want my opinion or not? First you tell me to keep my opinions to myself, then you want to know what I think. I already told you what I think in my original rant: I think anyone who drives around in a pimpmobile is an asshole. What more is there to say? Did you expect a reply or didn't you? Uhm... it's a guestbook, you little dillweed, not a message board. I do run a message board, too, but you wouldn't enjoy it there. You'd try to flame me, and we'd verbally bat you around like a cat playing with a mouse for a while, then ban you. I don't run websites to converse with shitheads. It's bad enough I have to listen to your crappy cars in real life.

And lastly, just how the fuck is it that you can drive a car when you can't even manage to use a SHIFT KEY on a keyboard?! Good god, I've seen first graders with better spelling, typing, grammar and punctuation than you. Your last message is totally incomprehensible. (Wait... I'll save you the trouble of looking that up. It means "doesn't make sense.")

Well, that's about it. Don't bother flaming my guestbook anymore. You'll only prove further what a nincompoop you are, and only inspire me to write more rants like this. In short, as they said in Monty Python and the Holy Grail (before your time again, kiddo), "Now go away or I shall taunt you a second time!"

Your Loving Webmistress,
Lorina

See also:
The Boom
The Boom, Part Two